remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize