So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
