I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
