Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
