Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you would pick up someone in the library
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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