Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
