forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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