got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
