my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
