if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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