I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
