I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
