You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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