I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
