She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
