Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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