Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
