Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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