I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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