if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
