He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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