Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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