i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
