were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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