I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
