i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
