saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
