I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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