He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
