I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
