woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
