well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
