the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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