meet me or not, i'm out of control
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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