yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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