Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
