I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
