Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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