How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
