"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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