fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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