Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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