I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
