if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
