oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
