Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
