I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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