I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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