where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
