The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
