I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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