he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
