Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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