he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
