You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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