Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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