If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
