Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize