i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
