she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
