just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize