I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
