It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
