I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
