im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
