he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize