the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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