I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
