Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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