Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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